It’s summer camp time in Australia. As I was driving a van load of teens to Howqua, I listened to their interaction. I asked a few questions. The six of them were from five different Adventist churches. Some only met on the van. They were looking forward to camp (dumb questions get obvious answers!) And, no, they did not need a restroom stop half an hour into the trip. Or an hour and a half into the trip. They were teenagers. Self-regulating and ready for camp!
I had a question I was going to ask them. I’d even planned out a couple of directions the discussion might go. But, as I listened to them from the front, I realised two things. They were excited to be with each other. I was having trouble hearing them (I’m old and deaf on one side!). When they tried to include me in the conversation they yelled my name (which let me know I hadn’t heard them the first few times!) And then, I would respond, “Sorry, can you repeat that?”
“Mr Edgren, How old are you?” a young man shouted.
“Do you want a maths problem or just a simple number?” I answered. They laughed.
“Either is fine. I’m pretty good with maths.” He said, “I just want to prove that I’m not the oldest person on the bus.”
“Ah,” I said. “How old are you?”
“18.”
“Well, young man,” I laughed, “I’m 52. So, I’ve got ya beat!”
He laughed and added, “I can drive for you if you need a break.”
Ah, now I understood. He wanted an ‘in the flow’ way to tell the other teens. 18 is the driving age in Australia. He was the only one, other than me, with a licence and he wanted people to know. I liked him already.
For most of the trip, their conversation provided a gentle background that sounded like a distant congregation of swans and foreign tourists. Seriously, my hearing is that bad. It was a carnage of sound. A decade ago I had an acoustic neuroma removed (a brain tumour on my hearing nerve) and lost the hearing in my left ear. My right ear is about 65 per cent, on par for my age. Combined with the severe tinnitus on the left (yep, that’s all I hear over there!) I struggle to hear unless I’m one-on-one with someone.
As I drove the 2.5-hour trip, I rejigged the conversation we didn’t have. Had we been sitting around a table, it would have been fun!
“What brings you joy?” Wait for answers.
“What is joy?” Wait for answers. Guide conversation to three points. The feeling word for instant gratification is ‘feels good.’ The feeling word for thinking about or doing something fun is “happy.” The feeling word for the gladness you feel when something is permanently true is “joy.”
“So, what brings you joy? What is something in your life that you are glad is true, all the time? Your skill in sport? Brilliance in maths? Friends? Family? What is a steady truth in your life that brings you joy?”
And, then, I was looking forward to hearing their answers. It is so much fun to hand the conversational reigns to young people when you’ve given them a solid setup and said, “GO!” They are awesome to listen to. Just awesome.
But, I’m deaf. So, rather than sobbing about my sorrows, I began playing with the question myself. But, I changed it a bit. I’ve been through multiple phases of life. So, I shifted the question to, “How has your joy changed over the years? What brought you joy when you were 18 and unstoppable? 30 with 3 kids? Empty nesting with Jenny? (It never stays empty for long!)
Because of my age, well no. As John Maxwell says, “Wisdom does not always come with age. Sometimes age comes alone.” That said, because I’ve been around for a while, there is some wisdom I’ve learned from life. Suffering is a great teacher. Times of choice and consequence are another great teacher. Long talks with trusted mentors are a great teacher.
Wisdom comes only after time for reflection. Suffering and reflection. Choices and reflection. Guidance and reflection. Wisdom emerges from quiet pools of reflection. Or something ponderous like that. And then, there’s wisdom that comes from joy. Joy isn’t temporary. It is firmly attached to your truth and your relationships.
You can be joyful always because you know God loves you. Rain or shine. Pain or pleasure. Paul says, Jesus endured the cross because of the joy set before him. He took joy to the cross with Him. That’s amazing! He was able to shout, “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?!?” and hold onto His joy—us being with Him in eternity—at the same time.
Joy is the solid substance surrounding surety. Joy is the emotional connection you have with what you trust to be true, always. Using this as a definition of joy, I looked back over my life while I drove the van. What brings me joy?
When I was young, I was a performer. Musician. Actor. Storyteller. In my first sermon, at 12 years old, I was dressed in character and told a bible story in first person. That was a brave pastor! And, I thank him for asking me. He shaped my life greatly. My joy from 12 until around 25 came from performing. I loved it. I was good at it because I did a lot of it. And, I knew I could trust myself to do well. No nerves. My identity in Christ was also affirmed by this joy. I felt like Eric Liddle in Chariots of Fire, who said, “When I run, I feel the Lord’s pleasure." Similarly, when I sang, acted, and told stories for God, I knew He loved it. I could feel His love shining on me.
When I graduated from College with a theology degree at 26 we had one child and the next two came in the first three years of ministry. I love people. So, I loved being a pastor and a dad. My joy until 40 came from thriving in place and building up groups. Leadership as a father, pastor, and editor. I was still performing, really. Sometimes as a preacher, storyteller, etc. Most of the time as a leader in creative work. My joy came most fully when performing with others — getting things done as a team. Empowering others to run a great worship service, evangelism series, small group bible study, camp-meeting kids division. That joyful sense of God’s pleasure came when in the flow as a leader shaping people.
January 2013, at age 40, I had a brain tumour removed. I spent 3 months off work while I was banned from driving and learned to make sense of the world through one ear. Shopping centres were borderline insanity. Just stop the noisy merry-go-boom and let me get off!
I was told, that after brain surgery, some people take up to 10 years to recover their previous attention span and energy level. Others never do, so slowing down is required. I’ve only felt ‘myself again’ in the past year or two. It really takes time!
My neurosurgeon said (one of the benefits of having brain surgery is for the rest of your life you have the distinct confidence booster of saying, “My neurosurgeon said.” I throw it in now and then just for added weight!) Ahem, sorry. So, my neurosurgeon said the drill they use to get through the skull has a similar impact on the brain to being kicked by a horse. I told him, “I much prefer you to a horse.” He didn’t even seem grateful. I mean, who wants to say “Well, according to my horse…”
Three months after the surgery, I was placed in two new churches, as pastor. Yep, you read that right. Just something easy to recuperate. I was told, “One church doesn’t want a pastor and at the other, you’ll be assisting a super-pastor. So, you’ll have plenty of time and space to heal.”
January 2014, at age 41, I was fired for having an affair in super-pastor’s church. I agreed with them, I deserved to be fired. I took full responsibility for my moral failing and bowed out as respectfully as I could. I spent that year transitioning into school chaplaincy work in the state school system. Working one-on-one with kids was perfect for my hearing issues and my energy levels. After COVID, I shifted to mental health support work. Still one-on-one but with adults. It’s very similar to how I did school chaplaincy.
January 2025. Here I am! 52 years old, and the oldest person on the bus. Winner! :)
You may have noticed that I haven’t mentioned my joy since the brain tumour. It has been a journey, let me tell you!
The joy in my life has shifted dramatically. I still enjoy preaching and telling stories occasionally, but they are secondary joys now. Over the past decade of quiet time, I’ve changed.
The joy that used to come from performing has shifted to getting teary when my daughter leads worship in church, or my son tells a story or acts in a musical, and having deep and meaningful chats with my eldest son. They all inspire me. I cry at movies when someone small is made big. I started creating resources for people to use in groups. Groups I’m not it. Resources I don’t use. Just to know others are being lifted toward Jesus in conversation.
My joy shifted as my focus shifted. I’m not that into myself anymore. (I know, not very American of me!) I remember once asking a Union President to create a new position here in Australia (not for me, I mean, I was willing, but it just needed to be a position so those needs were met.) And he said, he could see my passion for the topic and that it was a valid need but there was no budget for it. I offered to do it for free. He said, “You have a job in your conference.” I was shocked. Of course, I do. I can do this too. As a gift. (looking back I can’t help smiling. I was an arrogant brat!) “You need to focus on your current role.” He said, “I’ve been told ‘Dave Edgren does well what Dave Edgren wants to do’. I’m trying to say this in the nicest way possible, you need to want to do well at your assigned task. Then, perhaps, you will be offered other tasks.”
Gut punch! And, reality check. Much later. Upon reflection.
My joy now comes from Jesus. That might sound trite or simple or reaching… But, it’s just true. Jesus means more to me now than He ever has. A relationship with Jesus is worth pursuing. When I spend time talking to Him, reading about Him, talking about Him, writing about Him I get a taste of the complete joy he mentioned in John 15. The joy Jesus has is available, He offers it to us — to complete our joy.
“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”
- John 15:9-13 NIV
Over the past decade of single-sided-silence, I have learned about love. Daily.
My wife loves me. The day I was fired, she showed me Jesus as I’d never seen Him before. “He died to forgive the sin of the whole world.” She said, “Surely, when He asks us to forgive each other, this is what he meant.” How could I doubt Jesus when His presence and love were so clearly alive in my wife at the most heartbreaking moment of her life?
Jesus loves me. He humbled himself by becoming an earthling, to live with us and die for us. That’s the God of the universe I’m talking about. God became human so He could be fully understood by humans. And as the fullest example possible of God’s love, Jesus died on the cross. Because He loves us so much he’d rather die than live without us.
I love Jesus. And I love people. And I live a Joy full life. Jesus is my joy.
People have so much trouble believing God loves them. They say they know He loves them, but in the same breath they say, “That’s why I have to do more.” Why? To earn God’s love? To say thank you? I can say, with authority: all God wants is you. Bring yourself, fully, to the altar. He loves you!
I went through a two-decade-long process of trying to find the truth. They call it deconstruction. First, you pull apart everything you believe to be true. Then, hopefully, you reconstruct into someone new with new solid ground where you can think your thoughts.
But, Jesus derailed my deconstruction train. I couldn’t write Him out of the story. The affair was smack in the middle of pulling everything apart. And, so was the forgiveness of Christ embodied in my wife’s love and grace. Jesus became so very very real to me.
So, I zoomed way out and then back in, putting my story in the context of the Great Story. Since childhood, I had been in focus, but now Jesus is in focus. I’m still there, just off to his left (so I can hear him in my good ear). But Jesus is the focal point of my story now. I don’t know how to say it better than that. For me, it’s not about reconstruction but focus. It’s reformation, really.
As a Californian (the best kind of American. lol), my culture taught me that I was the hero in my own story. I could be anyone I wanted, earn as much as I wanted, and live the life I wanted because I deserved it. All I had to do was grab the world and make it mine.
Now, I know Jesus is the hero in Earth’s story. We all have supporting roles. We are not meant to be centre-stage unless we’re bringing something to Him. Jesus is Lord. Jesus sent out his disciples saying, “The Kingdom of God is near.” because He was right behind them. I don’t think we should show up saying, “The Kingdom of God is here,” until He is. When we put ourselves at the centre, we misrepresent our King and His Kingdom.
I feel the joy of Jesus most fully these days when I am involved in lifting others up in their walk with Jesus. I mentor young Bible study leaders online. That is bliss! We are having an in-person training day next month. So exciting! Over the past few months, I’ve been doing a lot more writing because I feel God’s pleasure when I write for Him. You’ve been reading it. I hope it has been blessing you and lifting you closer to Jesus.
So, my energy is back. For the past year or two, I’ve been at 100 per cent thinking capacity. It feels nice. And I have Jesus in focus. He makes my joy complete. In my heart of hearts, I would love to pastor a church with Jesus as my Joy. I hope the Holy Spirit inspires a leader somewhere to take a risk on me like Jesus has!
What brings you joy?
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